Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
