Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
