I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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