return my video game
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
