I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
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