if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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