I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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