thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
