This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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