I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am spending my child support on dildos
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
