i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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