this beer tastes like vomit already
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
