READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
