You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
