The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
