When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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