So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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