So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
