I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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