At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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