I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
They have beer where we have blood.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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