another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
