Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I love how my cats smell like pot.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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