ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
