Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
They have beer where we have blood.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
