I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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