but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
