I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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