i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
