I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
