Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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