I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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