who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
