If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
