I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
