Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
please come you make the beer taste better
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
