He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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