there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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