so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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