Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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