I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
