I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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