My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Houston, we have a squirter
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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