I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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