What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Plan B is the new Plan A
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
