My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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