Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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