i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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