I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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