and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
