Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
