just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
