So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
